Friday, December 02, 2005

My life isn't all sunshine and roses you know

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I just sit in silence. Sometimes people have this tendency of assuming that I am happy go lucky girl, or that's the way I think they see me. The days that aren't so great, it amazes me how harshly people can react to it and other people just pour out love and grace at my feet.

Surprisingly, it has been people that haven't known me very long that seem to be the most gracious. I cannot help but wonder, is this simply because the people that have known me for 5, 10, and 22 years are just tired of my bad days? Or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive to some people. Perhaps it is a mixture of the two?

I'm leaning towards a mixture. Honestly this is something I struggle with myself. I seem to be more patient towards the people I have known for a relatively short amount of time. And that bothers me. Why do some people just get to me faster?

Whatever the case, I realize I cannot change other people...this has been a difficult lesson to learn if you want the truth...But I can change myself. Not by my own strength, of course, but with the help of God I am changing. I am not the same woman I was six months ago, and I'm certainly much different than the girl I was even a few short years ago. And I thank God for that.

This year has been rather bitter sweet, I have gone through some of the toughest trials of my life yet I have never been closer to Christ than I am now. And this makes me very happy...Not happy, happiness fluxuates, happiness is unreliable. It comes and goes like waves; I'm joyful in the Lord my God. Yes, joyful. That is much better. My joy is consistent, as I trust and walk with the Lord. I have joy despite the trials, and that comes from trusting a God who is always the same.

I forget exactly why I started this post, but perhaps that is a good thing. Whoever reads this will be able to see that I stutter and stumble around, but God's grace gets me through. I cry, but, what's that line from the song, "the joy comes in the morning!" So, I rejoice. I choose to thank God for the trials, because it is in these times I am being tested and tried and conformed to His will. It is the rough times that force me to chase after God, because without Him I wouldn't have the strength to stand a moment longer. But with Him, all things are possible. And I am not alone, despite how the enemy tries to make me feel. God is with me, and has blessed me with other women who edify my spirit and let me weep when need be.

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