Monday, March 28, 2005


So here is what I believe. I believe that what I believe matters. It helps define my character. Though I am not perfect. Though I screw up I try. I try to be honest. I try not to swear, I don't nessicarily succed, but I try. I believe that what I do matters more than what some average kid my age does. It matters more b/c I have kids. I have a husband. Every descion I make direct effects 3 people. I believe parents should be held accountable more strictly than non-parents should. I believe more should be expected of parents. I believe that what ever your religion may be, if you are a parent you should set the highest morals possible. People should look at you and want to emulate what you do. That's what children do. They want to be what their parents are, do what their parents do. Or, they will be horrified at what their parents do, and not want to be anything like them.

I am a parent. I should act like one. So should every other parent on the planet. We should be haunted by the fact that our children are watching. That fact should never escape our minds. Even if they aren't around if we are doing shady things it will effect our character and they will see the results. They will live the results of our transgretions.

Friday, March 25, 2005


You know, some times I get so frustrated. I feel like I really can't talk to anybody. Granted millions of people could "stumble" upon this blog and know what's going on, but the people in my life have no idea a lot of the time. It's sad.

I know I'm not the greatest person in the world. I have a nasty temper, a sharp tounge, and I can be pretty immature at times. Believe me I know this. These are things I struggle with. I know I'm disrespectful at times, I don't mean to be my mouth just is quick to answer. It's my defense stystem. If someone antaginazes me (good lord forgive my spelling tonight. I'm not in the mood to think, I just want to type) I naturally say something sharp back, often I don't even have to think. Things just tend to flow. And most of the time what I say back is quite clever, and can cut rather deep. So people think I'm a b**ch. Am I? I don't know. Perhaps. I try to control myself, but when people just don't stop messing with me I tend to give up. I suppose that makes me kind of weak willed. I suppose I should have more self control, I should grow up and be more mature. But I'm only 21.

I'm still growing up, I'm still learning. And though I may not want to admit it verbally, I need help to do that. I don't need people breathing down my neck about how I act. I need them to stop messing with me and when I do screw up say "Hey Kristina, hold on." I don't need them saying stuff back to me and getting mad that it keeps going b/c they won't stop either. Especially since they seem to pride themselves on being wise, mature adults. If you are older than me, act it. Show me how I should be. Set an example. Sure you're human, I understand you're going to screw up from time to time but if you want me to change how I react to you...well, you're going to have to meet me half way.

Don't start with me and I won't cut you off at your knees. I know it must sound like I'm not willing to change until everyone else around me changes, but honestly I don't go looking for trouble. I try to keep my head down, but if I'm attacked I defend myself. I'm trying to change the cycle, but I need help. We'll both have days where we screw up, but that is when we especially need the other person to be a bit more patient. I'll try if you try...but I fear I shall never have the nerve to say this to you. Oh well. Maybe someday.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

On art

So I'm stealing the initial idea for this post from Pedalboy's blog. Go there to read the post that started this, I'll quote one person & my reply from there, then fresh material will follow.

them: i like. however, can we really say that civilizations would "not survive" w/o art? what is "survival" anyway?

me: "can we really say that civilizations would "not survive" w/o art? what is "survival" anyway?"

Art is being creative, it is expressing yourself. If you have no outlet to express yourself are you truely living? Even mentally challenged people try to express them selves through art b/c in art they are equals. They are just expressing themselves. In art it's not kill or be killed, it's whatever makes you feel. Feel something, good or bad, feel anything.

How depressing would life be without art? How many of us wouldn't want to be here if not for art? Art is unifies us. You hear a song, whether it be in Chinese or Italian, you can pick up the emotions. You can empithize, you feel it. Art in any form helps us b/c it lets us not only express ourselves, but lets us know we are not alone.

I believe there is a reason art is so timeless. That a piece of artwork, whether it be a painting or a song or whatever, can transend language and touch us all so deeply. It's b/c in art we truely find that we aren't alone. Even artwork about feeling alone in this world shows us we're not alone b/c we can feel what the artist was feeling. And that I belive is the key. Art is transendant, it unifies us b/c none of us are alone. We were never ment to be alone. And we are never alone b/c God is with us. And I believe He gave us art to help us realize we aren't alone. Even if you don't realize that God is with you you can take comfort in knowing someone out there knows what you're feeling.

Ok, switching gears...this does relate, probably loosely, but it relates.

We were never ment to be alone, this is why it feels so wrong. It's why we long for a companion. Human beings were ment to be together, in a pair, as man and wife. But beyond that we were never ment to be disconnected from God. And that's what we are. That is why we are lonely. That's why we get depressed. That is why we get online and build relationships with people that we'll never meet, why we'll join a web forum or read a blog. Because we want to feel connected to other people.

We were also never ment to die. I believe this with all my heart. Death is wrong. It was never supposed to happen. Why would death feel so bad to us if it is natural? Because it is not natural. There is nothing natural about death. We were never ment to die, the trees were never ment to lose their leaves.

I was recently in the ER and witnessed a mother being brought in asking "Where is she? Is she ok? Is she alive?" That mother was taken down the hallway, away from where the ER actually is and taken into a room. The door shut, and the most heart wrenching screams came muffled through the door. That never should have happened. That woman never should have had to feel those pains. That child shouldn't be dead right now. It made me sick to my stomach and I longed to be home with my own children. God help that woman and her family, they are going through something I pray I never shall have to go through. I can't imagen it, I breaks my heart thinking about that family. Days later I still feel physically ill thinking about it. We were ment to live forever, with God walking amongst us. We were built for companionship, with each other and especially with God.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

R&B song coming, update on the family

Lately I've been in the mood for a lot of R&B. In fact it's pretty much the only music I've listened to for about 2 weeks. I even dug out some cool old songs that I listened to in middle school. Oh those were the days. Anyway, I've had some crazy beats floating around in my head and so there is a song in the works. The drums & bass line are this really neat loop I found, I've laid down the main vocals, now I'm adding other stuff and tweeking everything. It is coming along quite nicely, I hope to finish it in about 2 weeks. I can't work on it everyday so it is taking longer to get done.

On the home front, Julianne is getting so very big. She's really quite beautiful, and she's not just beautiful b/c I'm her mom, she's beautiful b/c that's what she is. Be sure to check out the photos page at my website to see her and William.

William is getting big also. He's such an intelligent little boy. He's fond of matchbox cars and clocks. He's got a bit of a cold right now so he's not his hyper little self, but is really into being cuddled, so I'm enjoying it while it lasts. I expect to be hearing from the doctors soon on when we can get him evaluated for speech therapy. (His hearing is fine, but he doesn't talk much and is behind vocally. All other development is on track. I think he may just not want to talk, but to be on the safe side we're looking into speech therapy.)

Chris is doing very well too, he is enjoying the new truck a lot. It is very pretty. Have you ever heard that country song, I think it's called "Her favorite color is chrome"? That's me. I love the way it looks. It's so sexy. Anyway, check the photos page to see the truck, I should have pictures up sometime today or tomorrow at the latest.

I'm doing well, I've started working in the nursery at church again. I can't begin to explain how much I enjoy that. I missed it a lot, I hated taking a couple months off, but I had to heal from the c-section. And now that I'm back I feel great. God is good. I'm so thankful He has provided me with this outlet. I'm glad He has put the other women in the nursery to care for the babies. Someone told me recently that the nursery won't make or break a child's faith, that it doesn't matter if we talk to the kids about God, because at this age they don't really understand. While I understand what she's saying, I don't agree.

Yes, the nursery probably won't make or break a kid spirtiually, but what if that kid only hears about God at church? What happens if we don't make it a point to teach them about Christ while they are with us? Then we will have it on our souls that we didn't try to reach them. What's the point of having a nursery if you're not going to care for the children spiritually as well as physically. So, no. I don't agree. I think it is vital to talk to the kids about God. Even if it is only cute little songs and coloring pages. It helps them get started on the right track. It's all about foundations, and I want my children to have a good solid foundation in Christ, so yes the nursery being based on teaching the kids about Christ is important and isn't something that should be left out. And I want to go to heaven knowing I did what I could for the kids that were there.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Kristina and other stuff

Well, I've done it. I now own a domain that doesn't include the words "pest control" in it. I'm kind of excited. I've been doing this for so long on the free servers, but I want my music and photos to have a permanent home. I don't want my thoughts and crafts (how ever horrid they may be) to be lost. Besides my is so much easier to remember than my or

So, one and all, welcome to the age of I hope you hate it.

On a side note: I've been so blessed. I have two wonderful children, a husband who loves me even on my worst days, friends who know just what to say and when not to say anything, and best of all a God who has never left me. I am never alone, and while I may go mad at times wishing for silence I know that there is a reason everything is going on as it is. I know that the craziness that is my life has a purpose, and I can't be more happy about that fact.

An interesting thought

I recently found this posted on five iron frenzy's web forum and thought it was interesting, though I doubt it's true.

Alexander the Great was on one of his many military campaigns. As was typical, he would post sentinels around the perimiter of the camp, to report on any unusual activity (enemy incursions and the like). He was known to execute those who failed at their duties on the spot. One night, he was making the rounds and found a gaurd asleep at his post. He woke him up and said "What is your name?" and the young gaurd said "My name is Alexander." Taken aback, Alexander the Great said "Young man - change your character, or change your name."