Friday, March 25, 2005


You know, some times I get so frustrated. I feel like I really can't talk to anybody. Granted millions of people could "stumble" upon this blog and know what's going on, but the people in my life have no idea a lot of the time. It's sad.

I know I'm not the greatest person in the world. I have a nasty temper, a sharp tounge, and I can be pretty immature at times. Believe me I know this. These are things I struggle with. I know I'm disrespectful at times, I don't mean to be my mouth just is quick to answer. It's my defense stystem. If someone antaginazes me (good lord forgive my spelling tonight. I'm not in the mood to think, I just want to type) I naturally say something sharp back, often I don't even have to think. Things just tend to flow. And most of the time what I say back is quite clever, and can cut rather deep. So people think I'm a b**ch. Am I? I don't know. Perhaps. I try to control myself, but when people just don't stop messing with me I tend to give up. I suppose that makes me kind of weak willed. I suppose I should have more self control, I should grow up and be more mature. But I'm only 21.

I'm still growing up, I'm still learning. And though I may not want to admit it verbally, I need help to do that. I don't need people breathing down my neck about how I act. I need them to stop messing with me and when I do screw up say "Hey Kristina, hold on." I don't need them saying stuff back to me and getting mad that it keeps going b/c they won't stop either. Especially since they seem to pride themselves on being wise, mature adults. If you are older than me, act it. Show me how I should be. Set an example. Sure you're human, I understand you're going to screw up from time to time but if you want me to change how I react to you...well, you're going to have to meet me half way.

Don't start with me and I won't cut you off at your knees. I know it must sound like I'm not willing to change until everyone else around me changes, but honestly I don't go looking for trouble. I try to keep my head down, but if I'm attacked I defend myself. I'm trying to change the cycle, but I need help. We'll both have days where we screw up, but that is when we especially need the other person to be a bit more patient. I'll try if you try...but I fear I shall never have the nerve to say this to you. Oh well. Maybe someday.

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