I had an interesting trial recently, when I say interesting trial what I mean is that someone did something that I didn't understand and it made me angry. Ok? Ok. I was hurt, offended, and I wanted to sit and be angry. I tend to do that, it is a struggle for me, honestly, to just let things go. Depending on what it is I often will let things fester, I'll replay the incident over and over in my mind and just get more upset. And that really is a problem.
Well, slowly over the past year or so I've really been seeking the Lord concerning certain things, asking Him to reveal the things in me that need to be changed and to help me change...to transform my heart. This is a big deal, because my nature is for me to want to do the work, I want to be the one to grab hold of something that needs to change and take care of it. So it has been a bit of a struggle having to admit to myself and God that I can't change things without His intervention.
My tendency to dwell in my anger really is a sin, I've been doing it all my life though and it has been hard for me to realize what I'm doing until I've been doing it for a while. And so this has been something I have understood that will not change unless God changes it. When I got upset, when I started to replay the sin that was done against me (but truthfully it was done against God first and foremost) it is like God turned a light on and I realized this was it. I was aware of the sin taking place in my own heart, now what was I going to do? God had done exactly what I asked of Him, He showed me my sin and how despicable it was. So, was I going to follow through? I had told God I wanted to change, now that I was aware of the work He'd been doing in me was I going to follow Him? At first I really didn't want to, I wanted to sit and pout but after a few minutes it struck me how insane this was. I asked God to change me, to help me to become more aware of my sin so that I could repent, and now I was going to spit in His face and ignore what He was showing me?
Ah, how He is patient. I did repent, I got on my face before Him and thanked Him for being faithful and asked Him to continue this miraculous work in my heart, I told Him I didn't know how to pray concerning the person that had upset me but that I wasn't going to use their sin as a license to sin any longer. This really is huge for me. I know I'm still going to have times when I will struggle with this, but God really showed me that if I wanted to see His will done that I would rejoice because it is being done. He is being glorified in me and every other person who realizes that it is only through God that any real lasting change can take place and is willing to be humbled in order to see that work take place.